Otis Regrets... or not

Money in your mailbox

“Money in your mailbox” was the mantra of many a get-rich-quick offer in a simpler and sunnier era, promising greedy and gullible people they could run a successful mail order business from home. Simplicity has fallen on hard times, as has the United States Postal Service, and interesting direct mail examples are increasingly rare. But I hit a hot streak recently and will share them with you.

LLSouter — *Outer envelope of Leukemia & Lymphoma Society mailer*

First up is a package that literally has money in it, “How can 5¢ save a child’s life?” from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Association. This is a worthy but small organization and they went to the big agency that makes the address labels and a junior copywriter was assigned to the job. I know the copywriter is junior because they never answer the question!

The letter starts, “I’ve included a nickel to make a point. You and I both know that a single nickel won’t go far in the fight against blood cancers. But even nickels can quickly add up. And if you invest these nickels in blood cancer research that is searching for clues, you could save not only one child but thousands of patients.” Then the nickel is referenced in passing on the ask sheet: “your generous gift, along with this nickel…”

LLSInside — *Letter intro from LLS package*

The copywriter wasn’t comfortable with the (probably mandated) concept so they disparage it. No, a nickel really can’t do much. I’m just enclosing it to make a point. But what if they’d told us about one thing that actually does cost a nickel in research and used that as a stepping stone? And said I want you to send as many nickels as you can spare… and keep this one or pass this along and tell another person about the need. Take the time to make the reader think and visualize, instead of going through the motions.

DiscoverOuter — *Mystery outer envelope from Discover*

Next up is one of those cleverly art directed packages that you want to open out of curiosity. What’s new is the peel off sticker next to the window that says “important information”. It looks like somebody working at their desk literally printed that off from a sheet of Avery labels and stuck it on the package. The placement of the sticker calls attention to a plastic card inside, its corner just visible through the envelope window. So I have to open it and discover… it’s a “proof of special invitation status” from Discover. They want me to take out a personal loan; if I was in the market for a loan they certainly would have gotten my attention.

*HRC package after opening by 11 year old*

There’s a story behind the next package, another anonymous package which has been torn into pieces. My 11 year old asked why I was recycling this without opening it and I pointed out the clues: “personal and confidential” but with a standard mail indicia indicates it’s a piece of junk mail. But he insisted on opening it (by ripping it apart). And lo and behold, it’s an affinity offer to supporters of Human Rights Council, a LGBT political action group. It’s not that long ago that all mail referencing the recipient’s LGBT status was delivered anonymously to protect their privacy but I am going to guess that any HRC member today would be proud to announce their affiliation. This is one anonymous mailing that should NOT have been anonymous; Nationwide Insurance could have multiplied their response by putting something simple like “A special announcement to HRC supporters” on the OE. But I’m guessing this is a standard format that is used by Nationwide for all kinds of affinity groups so that possibility never even crossed their mind.

Finally, a word about the sheer incompetence of the USPS which has to be a factor in the decline of direct mail. Back in the day when I was direct mail manager for a department store, we had to hire a “postal consultant” because it was impossible to communicate with the post office directly about the most efficient and cost effective ways to make sure our mail got through. Time and time again, the USPS has shot itself in the foot with oblique self-serving practices when it could have thrived if it treated itself like the business it claims to be.

This envelope is an example. It was rejected and returned “postage due” 3 weeks after mailing. It’s not overweight, so I took it to my local post office and asked for an explanation. They said it’s probably because of the cardboard square inside, the UPC from a product box, which I was returning for a rebate. It made the envelope “non machinable” and when it got stuck in the automated feeder it was kicked out, where it sat in a pile for a few weeks till somebody processed it. Turns out there is a 20 cent surcharge for “mail containing a rigid object”. Bet you didn’t know that. Metal’s obviously rigid, but what about a piece of cardboard? I guess if the automated equipment rejects it, it’s rigid. The machines have taken over; too bad they’re not more discerning.

Specifics sell… this example shows why!

National Parks — Beginning of the National Park Foundation’s email

Unfortunately, it’s an example of what NOT to do: The National Park Foundation saw the terrible wildfire currently out of control in Yosemite as a great opportunity to raise money for its cause. It’s exactly the same tactic used by The Salvation Army, The American Red Cross and many other charities which often have their best efforts on the heels of a disaster which triggers’ readers empathy and desire to help.

Unfortunately, as the NPF email was on its way to the coder some bone head saw the proof and said, “wait a minute, what about all the other parks? If they’re not in California, maybe they don’t give a hoot about Yosemite!” And so the “ask” was expanded to mention acts of vandalism, including green paint being splashed on the Lincoln Memorial.

I didn’t even realize the Lincoln Memorial was a national park, and it seems to me responsibility for cleaning it off (or keeping vandalism from happening) should rest with the local police. They then go on to tell us that there were 2,000 acts of vandalism in national parks last year and that the parks are underfunded. There’s also a reference to the fact this is the parks’ 97th anniversary and that the Travel Channel will match your gift. And they close with the unacceptably vague promise that a gift will “provide critical resources that directly aid and enrich our national parks and the work of the National Park Service.”

What should they have done instead? Leave the kitchen sink in the kitchen! In this case, a vastly stronger email could have been created by focusing entirely on Yosemite, saying how this makes us realize how precious our parks are and how much they need our support, and bringing in the Travel Channel match as exciting news that makes your gift go twice as far. Tell us very specifically what our contribution is going to do. Then get out.

And that anniversary announcement? Save it for the 100th, for goodness sake. Assuming this Foundation actually is doing good work, I hope they’ll be around that long. Meanwhile, this one goes straight to the Badvertising Hall of Shame.

Back by popular demand at DMA2013

My panel discussion on K.I.I.S. (Keep it simple, stupid) marketing was asked to return to the Direct Marketing Association’s annual conference based on our being one of the top-rated panels at last year’s event. DMA2013 is happening in Chicago and we’ll be the last session before the wrap-up lunch presentation on Wednesday, October 16. I love Wednesday sessions because they happen after the trade show is over and the Echo awards are done, so anyone who’s still around has a serious reason for being there.

Once again, Dawn Wolfe of Autodesk and Philip Reynolds of Palio+Ignite will join me and show what happens when, instead of technical jargon or corporate posturing, your advertising connects with the reader or viewer or web browser based on a simple appeal to the things that are important to them. The rules of “back by popular demand” are that the framework of the topic is the same, but the examples and case histories used have to be completely new. Come sit in… it will be an interesting and hopefully entertaining hour.

What’s a new customer worth, Fidelity?

A death in the family caused us to contact Fidelity Investments, where the deceased’s assets were held. Fidelity told us we’d need to sign a form for redistribution of assets, and it would arrive in five business days. When about two weeks had elapsed, and no form, a family member called Fidelity and was told a/they had no way of tracking the form or even verifying it had been sent and b/mailing the form was unnecessary since it was available online. We then downloaded the form, completed it, and were done. 19 days after the original request (so 15 business days) the forms finally arrived in the mail. Two days after that, a second set of forms arrived in the mail.

There were three people involved on the recipient end. One of them had previous experience with Fidelity through a lump sum disbursement of a retirement account and commented “Fidelity… I should have known.” The second had no previous experience with Fidelity and is unlikely to establish a relationship on the basis of this experience. The third was me, who has had his business at Fidelity for many years and has always been delighted with the service and so was baffled by this Keystone Kops routine.

So, is there a double standard, where existing customers are treated better than potential new customers? In a perfect world, that’s the way it would be. But how much does it cost to gain a new customer? Wouldn’t it have been better to woo these two prospects rather than driving them away?

In a word, yes. Customers die, change their focus or get lured away by a more aggressive competitor. You ALWAYS need new business, and if you can acquire it at low cost that gives you more resources to use for pampering existing customers. Fidelity should get its departments talking to one another so fiascos like this aren’t the face of the company to prospective customers.

Not OK, Chrome

I am not sure how Google Chrome became the default browser on my Macbook Pro, but it’s gone now. Just way too many instances of “the Shockwave plug-in has crashed”, the fact that it won’t run the current version of Flash, and the frequent escapades of the “Chrome Renderer” and his evil twin, the “Chrome Worker” that slow my system to a crawl.

So I went through the peculiar (though obviously self-serving, to Apple) practice of changing the browser through Safari, Mac’s own browser which can’t be the default because of just too many incompatibility problems. Now I’m back to plain old Firefox.

How did I ever get into this pickle? I think I was lured by a casual invitation to try Chrome on the Google search page, and initially it seemed noticeably faster than Firefox (which has its own problems with plug-ins that are constantly getting out of date; but unlike Chrome, Firefox simply disables them rather than allowing them to crash the app). I also liked my fresh results with Bing, the browser which was oddly-enough (because it’s not Google) pre-loaded. Once a daily productivity app becomes a habit, it’s hard to change. But now they’re both gone. And I’m feeling a sigh of relief.

Serotta Bicycles and the “quality of time”

BenSerotta — *Ben Serotta explains the “quality of time”*

Last month I got a tour of Serotta Bicycles, a world-renowned high-end facility located in my little town of Saratoga Springs, New York. These bikes cost from $4800 to over $28,000—and that’s just the frame. But the painstaking details make it seem worthwhile—from a machining process that can take a stock titanium tube and give it 3 different diameters and three different thicknesses, so it has light weight along with the perfect balance of strength and flex at every point along its length. The total process from beginning to end takes about 40 hours to produce a finished frame; the shop turns out an average of 3 per day.

All the other visitors were current owners who’d come to see the mother lode, and there were esoteric questions about discontinued models and “why don’t you use steel anymore?” (Google that one with Serotta in the search box.) Finally I had to ask the question, why does it take 40 hours instead of 39 or 41? How do you know when it’s done?

Founder and President Ben Serotta said it’s about the “quality of time”. He wouldn’t amplify on that and when I asked a local bike evangelist and Serotta enthusiast to explain it to me, he was silent. So there’s a bit of mysticism afoot here and I will make a couple of educated guesses.

SerottaAlighing — *Frames are aligned after every assembly stage, making this the most important machine in the shop*

First, quality of time means diminishing returns. As nearly perfect as these bikes are, the finish will never be completely immaculate. (Even though in the final polishing step they use 2500 grit sandpaper, which feels as smooth as a baby’s bottom.) There’s got to be a point when an hour produces so much less benefit than the hour preceding it that you’re spending your own money or raising the price for no good reason, so you stop. Second, bicyclists spend a lot of time in the saddle. If incredibly subtle details can make for a more productive or efficient or competitive ride and so improve their quality of time, they’re worth doing.

Both these hypotheses have application in copywriting. As a creative practitioner, I charge several times what a junior copywriter would charge and there are people who charge several times more than me. Here the time you are paying for is experience—the knowledge and instinct based on past work that a particular message and way of presenting that message will work better than all others. It’s probably not necessary to hire a senior copywriter to write a coupon for your dry cleaning establishment; someone who can follow basic common sense marketing rules (and mayn can’t) will be fine. But if you’re planning to mail millions of people or launch an elaborate website, then the cost of the creative becomes a relatively minor one and it pays to pay more for the best.

SerottaFinish — Final step: polishing with 2500 grit sandpaper

The other way to look at “quality of time” is in the experience of the user—the prospect or retail customer who is the recipient of your message. The more time you spend understanding that person’s preferences and motivations—whether through research or hunches—the better their experience is going to be when they receive your message and the more likely they will respond positively.

I may never be able to afford a Serotta bike but it’s something to aspire to—especially because the way to making the money to buy one lies in maximizing my own quality of time.

How to be a good tech writer

The other day a marketing colleague asked me to write him an email which he’d pass along to his CEO, about why I should be hired to write technical copy. Feel free to use these selling points in your own self-marketing, assuming of course they apply.

The first thing I believe about tech writing is that you need to understand the product—-not necessarily on a programmatic level, but the problem it solves, and why it does this better than other options. I’m not a scientist but I love to learn how things work.

Secondly, I believe that technology buyers are people with the same personal motivations as those buying consumer products. They want to be secure, avoid conflict and achieve recognition and in an indirect way technical products help them do this. They get promoted because they’ve contributed to the bottom line. They get to go home on time instead of staying to placate angry users.

Finally, I always ask to interview the sales team so I can understand the objections that are typically raised and the hot buttons that get prospects excited about the product. I go to CES most every year (and attended Comdex before that) and spend most of my time hanging back near kiosks to watch sales engineers do technical presentations.

I believe these steps are missing in a lot of the copy I read for technical companies which reads like a laundry list of specs. I spent most of my career working in the Bay Area, and my work was typically lead generating direct response that was tested against other messages and I usually won.

To my fellow copywriters, I’ll add that I won consistently not so much because I was a dramatically better writer, but because I was diligent in my preparation. As Yogi Berra may have said, half of success is showing up.

Tech gifts for the techie dad

Father’s Day is a great time to give dad techie gadgets he wouldn’t necessarily buy for himself. Here are some ideas.

1. Last minute gift: an Apple App Store or Android gift card. Who doesn’t need more apps for their mobile device? You can buy prepaid Apple gift cards at most any Target and many supermarkets; if they don’t have the App Store card an iTunes card would work just as well. For Android, Amazon Gift Card – E-mail – Amazon Appstore will work just as well and you can order it for immediate delivery via email. (Unfortunately, Amazon does not seem to have a gift card with a picture of the Android robot on it.)

2. Home Depot gift: a cordless lithium drill/driver set. Every dad has an old cordless drill in a drawer, but the new-generation lithium battery technology is a dramatic step forward. They’re lighter, more powerful and the battery lasts far longer. I have one by Bosch but whatever is on sale will do; take a look and see if you can find a combo set with flashlight, radio and other add-ons that run off the same batteries. This is definitely something dad would never buy for himself but, take it from me, would like to have.

3. Grilling dad gift: temperature monitor for the Weber. The point where dad gets serious about barbecue is when he starts to think about temperature control. Fortunately, there are sturdy aftermarket thermometers like this one which he add in to his existing kettle cooker in a few minutes by drilling a hole, then securing the thermometer with a nut and a washer. If you want to go high tech, my friend Steve would send you to the Thermoworks site where they have all manner of remote doneness sensors, instant read laser thermometers and such.

I am fortunate enough to have all the above (well, except for the Thermowerks tchotchkes) and am hoping for Why Knot?: How to Tie More Than Sixty Ingenious, Useful, Beautiful, Lifesaving, and Secure Knots! by Philippe Petit, a high wire artist to whom well tied knots are obviously important. And when you think about it, back in the day, knots were the original high technology.

How (and why) to change your WordPress permalink structure

Sorry for geeking out here, but I just discovered the solution to a longstanding problem and I haven’t seen a complete discussion anywhere else. So here goes…

The problem has to do with WordPress permalinks. A blog post’s permalink is the URL that search engines and directories use to find it on a WordPress blog like the one you’re reading. If a permalink changes for an existing post, the post disappears and searchers get a 404 error which not only is frustrating, but will cost you big time in the search rankings.

So why in the world would you want to change your permalinks in light of this risk? Because most of us made a mistake in the way we set up our permalinks to begin with. There’s a “Permalinks” tab in “Settings” on the WordPress dashboard and radio buttons to choose your structure and the default (as I recall) is to give each post a unique number like:

http://www.yoursite.com/blog/?p=123

But instead I thought it was useful to reference the date (at the beginning of Otisregrets, I was using it primarily as a communications tool in my copywriting class so it was important to have everything in chronological order) so I chose this option:

http://www.yoursite.com/2013/05/sample-post/

There are two things wrong with that structure. First, it means that every time a search result lists my post it will include the date. And I think most people give more credence to recent posts since an older one may have obsolete information. Second, you may want to republish older posts (like the ones from the early days of a blog, when you had far less readership). You can’t simply cut and paste to create a duplicate post; the search spiders hate this. But if you change the publication date in the WordPress dashboard to create a new post, then all your indexing disappears.

What I wanted to do is change the permalink structure to

http://www.yoursite.com/sample-post/

which means I can change the publication date (but NOT the title) and the search engines and indexes will still find it, yet it will be on the top page of my blog. And if you look at the urls of my posts now, that’s what I did. Here’s how.

1. Download your .htaccess file, which is in the top level directory of your WordPress blog. (Mine is in www.otismaxwell.com/blog for example.) This is the file which directs spiders and other indexing operations (including your own) as to where to find things on your site. You might not see the file immediately because many ftp applications hide “dot” files by default. I used Filezilla which has a setting under “Server” for “Force showing hidden files”; you want to check this setting and then .htaccess appears.

2. Make the .htaccess file visible on your local machine. This is necessary because neither Mac OS X nor Windows shows these files by default. In Mac it’s a simple matter of opening the Terminal and adding this line:

defaults write com.apple.Finder AppleShowAllFiles YES

After you do this, close terminal and restart Finder and voila, all your hidden files are now visible.

3. make a copy of the .htaccess file you downloaded and move it to a safe place on your local computer in case something terrible happens.

4. Open the .htaccess file in a text editor (I used TextEdit) and insert a line under # BEGIN WordPress to specify a 301 redirect. DO NOT MAKE A MISTAKE HERE OR YOUR POSTS WILL DISAPPEAR. Web programmer and SEO expert Joost de Valk has kindly provided a script which will create the correct code for you; read the article then click “generate redirects” and follow the prompts to create your own like of 301 code.

The revised code will look something like this:

# BEGIN WordPress
RedirectMatch 301 ^/([0-9]{4})/([0-9]{2})/(.*)$ http://www.yoursite.com/$3
<IfModule mod_rewrite.c>
RewriteEngine On
RewriteBase /
RewriteRule ^index\.php$ - [L]
RewriteCond %{REQUEST_FILENAME} !-f
RewriteCond %{REQUEST_FILENAME} !-d
RewriteRule . /index.php [L]
</IfModule>

# END WordPress

5. Upload the edited .htaccess file to your WordPress directory, replacing the old file, then IMMEDIATELY go to the Permalinks tab on the WordPress dashboard and change the format to:

http://www.yoursite.com/sample-post/

6. Test it by searching for a couple of your posts in Google or other search engine. The result should resolve to the new title of the post. You did it!

7. It’s a good idea to re-hide hidden files on your local machine so you don’t delete or alter one of these vital files by accident. To do this on Mac, just go into Terminal and enter the same instruction as previously but this time end it with “NO” instead of “YES”:

defaults write com.apple.Finder AppleShowAllFiles NO

UPDATE: Years later I find myself setting up a wordpress.com blog and find this option isn’t available; for this free platform you are stuck with the http://www.yoursite.com/2013/05/sample-post/ format with the date in the middle of the permalink. This is true even if you pay for one of the available upgrades, to Premium or Business.

Instagram, iPhone and the photo-based social network

A couple I know bought a fancy camera before the birth of their first baby. It’s sitting in a drawer somewhere. Turns out that their trusty iPhone does everything they need: they can shoot a pretty good photo, touch it up with Instagram, and shoot it out to their friends immediately.

Instagram is interesting. Dave Kerpen wrote an article about it over on LinkedIn called “And the Future of Social Media Is” and the answer is… not Tumblr, just acquired by Yahoo, but Instagram. His 10 year old daughter and her friends used it to exhaustion on a recent weekend trip, adding insta-apps to expand the conversation as they went. As opposed to Pinterest, which sends lots of traffic to my food blog but seems mainly a scrapbooking application, Instagram really works as a fully functional social network–and it’s a lot easier to shoot and share a picture than to write an update.

One of those apps, Instafollow, allows users to automatically follow or unfollow up to 160 users per hour, up to an ultimate count of 20,000 users, simply by following followers of a user. That’s a lot more power than Twitter and a lot easier to execute. No wonder my own kid, who’s fairly responsible on Facebook, got me in so much trouble on Instagram that I had to delete my account. Snap a picture, slap some text on it, and you’re good to go.

I just put the account back up and already I’ve got new followers and a writing opportunity thanks to Instagram. My username is otismaxwell if you care to meet me over there.